|
|
 |
Monday, December 03, 2007
I really haven’t been doing things in a while for the last six
months, I have been isolating myself at home – one thing I missed out for two
years while being employed. And now that I am unemployed, I think I just can’t
get everything that I want.
Back then I was too occupied with work, I can’t seem to fit anything to my time
but work. But now that I have the leisure of time, I don’t have anything much
to do. So much for hoping my resignation will make things better. For a time
yes, but now, I think I’ve been resting too long.
Although it is very CLEAR to me that I do not wish to go back to where I used
to be, I still want to experience the same excitement I felt then. Less the
trauma though…
++++++++
Another thing, I feel I have to grow up, act my age, MATURE. But how to do it?
I have no idea. Does it happen overnight? No way. And I can’t push myself to
drastically act like normal 22-year-olds act. But what can I do if I was born a
late-bloomer? Eehehehe
I think it will take time for me to let go of my childish norms. Like I
mentioned earlier, I don’t want to grow up. And how’s that. Hay! Good luck na
lang saken!!!
Posted at 12/3/2007 10:44:48 pm by skepticism
Permalink
There
are a few new things I found out about myself, given the ample time I
spend with her. Just recently, I had the thought, the fear actually,
that I DO NOT WANT TO GROW ANY OLDER. I just want to stay where I am,
in ages between 18 and 22. I’m not sure why such ages, perhaps those
were my golden years… I dunno I just don’t want to reach an age beyond
30. It scares me.
There
are a lot of things I wanna do and I have this thought that by reaching
30 or so will prevent me from doing that. Sounds crazy but really, I
don’t want to.
Or
maybe, I’m just scared to die. You know, to leave everything behind. No
matter how simple and boring my life seems to be now, I don’t think I
wanna let go of it. Huh! Too much alone-time can make someone go nuts!
And
lately, I have been feeling so agitated by my unemployment. I’m
pressured. Although I try my best neither to feel pity for myself nor
to have regrets of my actions, right now I’m just darn restless. I
can’t just stay here at home, every day, every week, and every month!
Goodness! The year’s about to close, holidays are nearing and where am
I?!
Self-issues!
They’re pouring out just like cats and dogs. And a few more days and my
head’s gonna explode. Do you know there are 10 topics in my head,
running wild in just five minutes? Even if I wanted to put everything
to writing so I can just take note of each, I can’t. it moves too fast.
I wonder what I am to do to control my thoughts…
And
what’s worse, there are times I dream of doing things I know I can
hardly do in reality… Plainly, naturally imaginative as I am, ehheheheh
it’s how I burn up my time… just to keep me busy, especially at times I
feel so lethargic.
++++++++
Posted at 12/3/2007 10:41:49 pm by skepticism
Permalink
Dec. 4, 2007
12:30am
I saw him. Although I cannot clearly see his face on my mind, I know I saw him… those eyes, that smile. He seemed very happy, actually. Makes me wonder, is he really that happy?
And my reaction? Well, half of me freaked out. First, because o saw his face (again after who knows when). Second, because he was smiling, happy... a kind of look I know will immediately get stuck in memory. Third, because I freaked out (partly but not hysterically) because I shouldn't be feeling that way. I should not be reacting to what I saw, besides it's just a picture (no matter how recent it is)… it's just a freakin' picture!
And since I was online, I wasn't able to get a hold of myself and told friends about what I saw, what I felt. I know, I must have seemed excited, happy or exhilarated… whatever, but I know I should not be, not have been.
Giving it a thought, I was hardly affected by that moment, perhaps I just got surprised. Well, it's been a while, since I last neither saw him nor thought of him. Because for the last months I've been trying really hard to move on and forget. And seeing even just a photo of him was new. It's like a pat in the back, like saying, "hey he's still alive you know…"
However I reacted or whatever that is I felt, I think it's a result of what I expected myself to react. I was not really reacting into seeing his picture but more of reacting to what I thought I will be reacting giving my past status (the-not-still-able-to-forget-status) hehehe
Sounds odd to convince myself of what I am still trying to hide and deny... but, what the heck, who cares!?
I haven't been really contemplating on what I feel towards a lot of things, a lot of people. Although the "deeper" whatever has subsided, there are times that I still cannot stop myself from feeling weird and cheesy and all that fuzz. It must have felt really good then, that until now I cannot let go of the feeling. Damn! And with this, I'd like to share a quote I got (nice one really)
It's hard to run away from a feeling that haunts you every now and then.
It's painful to tell your heart that you don't need it.
You keep on pretending that you are better to be alone, when in fact you
feel so empty.
But why take chances if you see no hope?
Why try if there's nothing to win for?
Sometimes it pays to wait… Never hurry…
Let infatuation die a natural death and give birth to true love when it's
time.
I kinda like to agree with it, let infatuation die naturally, no need to rush…
+++++++++++
Posted at 12/3/2007 10:40:38 pm by skepticism
Permalink
Dec. 4, 2007
12:30am
I saw him. Although I cannot clearly see his face on my mind, I know I saw him… those eyes, that smile. He seemed very happy, actually. Makes me wonder, is he really that happy?
And my reaction? Well, half of me freaked out. First, because o saw his face (again after who knows when). Second, because he was smiling, happy... a kind of look I know will immediately get stuck in memory. Third, because I freaked out (partly but not hysterically) because I shouldn't be feeling that way. I should not be reacting to what I saw, besides it's just a picture (no matter how recent it is)… it's just a freakin' picture!
And since I was online, I wasn't able to get a hold of myself and told friends about what I saw, what I felt. I know, I must have seemed excited, happy or exhilarated… whatever, but I know I should not be, not have been.
Giving it a thought, I was hardly affected by that moment, perhaps I just got surprised. Well, it's been a while, since I last neither saw him nor thought of him. Because for the last months I've been trying really hard to move on and forget. And seeing even just a photo of him was new. It's like a pat in the back, like saying, "hey he's still alive you know…"
However I reacted or whatever that is I felt, I think it's a result of what I expected myself to react. I was not really reacting into seeing his picture but more of reacting to what I thought I will be reacting giving my past status (the-not-still-able-to-forget-status) hehehe
Sounds odd to convince myself of what I am still trying to hide and deny... but, what the heck, who cares!?
I haven't been really contemplating on what I feel towards a lot of things, a lot of people. Although the "deeper" whatever has subsided, there are times that I still cannot stop myself from feeling weird and cheesy and all that fuzz. It must have felt really good then, that until now I cannot let go of the feeling. Damn! And with this, I'd like to share a quote I got (nice one really)
It's hard to run away from a feeling that haunts you every now and then.
It's painful to tell your heart that you don't need it.
You keep on pretending that you are better to be alone, when in fact you
feel so empty.
But why take chances if you see no hope?
Why try if there's nothing to win for?
Sometimes it pays to wait… Never hurry…
Let infatuation die a natural death and give birth to true love when it's
time.
I kinda like to agree with it, let infatuation die naturally, no need to rush…
+++++++++++
Posted at 12/3/2007 10:35:12 pm by skepticism
Permalink
|
